Operation Save Kudou's Hiney
by neonquincy1217
Summary: Everybody loves Kudou, and when Kudou's in trouble, everybody shows up to help him. Written for Poirot Cafe's Prompt Exchange #1. ShinRan. Subtle HeiShin bromance. Everybody loves Kudou. With mention of events from Two Mysteries on the Night of a Full Moon. Rated T for language.


**A/N:** This was written forever ago, except I wasn't able to post this here because reasons.

This fic goes by a lot of names (aka "Working Titles"): _Kudou Apocalypse, Everybody Loves Kudou, Kudou Convention_ , etc... and most of all _"Operation Save Kudou's Hiney".  
_ In the end, I decided to go with the latter... although Kudou Apocalypse probably goes perfectly with what happens here. LOL

Prompt (by neonkoi): Chaos among doppelgangers

Hope you enjoyed this as much as prompter did. *smiles and waves*

* * *

 **Operation Save Kudou's Hiney**

Everybody loves Kudou, and when Kudou's in trouble, everybody shows up to help him. Written for Poirot Cafe's Prompt Exchange #1. ShinRan. Subtle HeiShin bromance. Everybody loves Kudou. With mention of events from _Two Mysteries on the Night of a Full Moon_.

* * *

Hattori Heiji was just out in the yard one summer night, admiring their backyard lake while chilling on the internet on his cellphone, when a call distracted his rare and peaceful alone time.

" _Hattori!"_ the familiar voice of the shrunken sleuth boomed in his ears, Heiji had to jerk away.

"Da hell, Kudou?! D'ya hafta be so loud?!"

" _Sorry. It's just… You're the only one who can help me. Haibara's being uncooperative again."_

" _It's because you never learn your lesson!"_ said a female voice. Heiji raised a pensive brow.

"Wait, what's goin' on?" the dark-skinned man queried, as Conan called over to the other voice, " _But this is important!"_

Judging by the sound of his best friend's voice, whatever it is the call is about, it's an urgent matter. Heiji thought it best to cut to the chase.

"Okay, what'dya need my help for?"

From the other end of the line, the superintendent' s son can hear the other guy as he took deep breaths.

" _Hattori,"_ he finally spoke, albeit with a slight hesitation in his voice. _"I know it's kinda late but can I ask you to come over?"_

Heiji gave his phone a deathly glare.

"To Tokyo? _Now?!_ " the Osakan asked in disbelief, pulling his phone away from his ear again to look at the time. _"_ At this hour?"

" _Please?"_

The Detective of the West can hear the distress from the other guy's voice; he practically sighed.

"Is somethin' wrong?"

" _Ran's gonna kill me,"_ the boy said in alarm.

Heiji blinked at this. "Haaa?!"

The dark-skinned man leaned on his palm as Conan continued.

" _She's starting to suspect me again! And she somehow had this crazy idea to have 'Conan-kun' with 'Shinichi-niichan' and 'Ran-neechan' on their next date… which by the way is happening tomorrow."_

"Oh yeah?" Heiji said in nonchalance. "How sure are ya that she's suspecting just from that?"

" _It's that creepy smug she always wears when she knows something—Oh come_ _ **on**_ _, you know what I mean. Kazuha-chan does that too whenever she plans to do something evil."_

"Evil, huh?" the dark-skinned man repeated, and shivered at the thought. It's scary how women can be cruelly evil if they want to.

" _If Shinichi doesn't show up, she'll get convinced I'm him, make fun of me by treating me like a child and probably make a hell out of my life!"_

Footsteps, Heiji noted, meant Conan started pacing back and forth just now.

"You should've said no," the other guy said, half lidded. He knows his best friend is smarter than this. And so, he forced a chuckle and joked, "What got ya ta agree? Neechan's nude photos or somethin'?!"

Upon the comment, Heiji can practically 'hear' the other guy blush over the receiver. Clattering sounds and the exclamation of the moustached scientist filled his ear, confirming his deduction. Heiji couldn't help but snort as he imagined the scenario.

" _D-don't be ridiculous!"_

 _Wow,_ Heiji thought, inwardly patting himself in the back. _Really?!_

"HAHAHA! I knew it, ya perv!"

" _THEY'RE NOT NUDES HATTORI!"_ said Conan's flustered voice. _"ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME OR NOT?!"_

The shouting didn't keep Heiji from laughing some more.

"Oh the things ya do fer nudes, Kudou. Shame. On. You!"

" _Hattori!"_ the Detective of the East reprimanded. It sucks to be him right now, having a confidante—who can push the right buttons just to tick you off—you can ask to help you out of a sticky situation.

Soon, the laughing died, and Heiji replied, "Perhaps y'fergot but the last time I dressed up as ya, it took five or so hours to set up. How're we go'n do that in such short notice? And without the help from yer Ba-chan's magical make-up skills?"

Not to mention he cannot, for the love of humanity, speak Japanese without slipping into the Kansai accent.

" _Just come over!"_ Conan's voice hissed over the receiver, and Heiji couldn't help but groan at his persistence.

"Can't ya just ask Kid to help ya or somethin'? Last time I check he owes ya a favor—"

" _That's even out of the question!"_ the grade schooler snapped. _"Just do it!"_

"Why not?!" the Osakan was about to ask, but the line went dead even before he got to finish.

Heiji stared at his phone for a quarter of a minute, before he exhaled in defeat.

"That ungrateful little…" he muttered as he got up and left the room. "After all I've done fer him this is the thanks I get."

Despite the Osakan's protests, he's very well ready to leave for Tokyo a few minutes after. After all, Kudou needs his help. And he loves Kudou. And he's pretty sure Kudou loves him back, else he won't ask for his help like this. No homo there, bro…

"Oh right," Heiji exclaimed just as he was closing the house's front gate. He whipped out his phone from inside one of his pockets and typed away. "I hafta tell 'mom' in case she nags me fer being an irresponsible human being."

The Detective of the West rolled his eyes upon the thought of a certain ponytailed girl shouting at his ears. There's a hundred percent chance he's gonna get an earful from her if she shows up at her front door just to find out he wasn't there.

" _Off ta Beika fer a while. Gotta help Kudou with his date tomorrow before that neechan gets his butt kicked,"_ said the message.

Heiji quickly clicked the _send_ button and smiled to himself… before he realized too late that said button is light blue in color, doesn't quite say "Send," but rather displays the word "Tweet."

In an instant the grin was wiped off his features. The Detective of the West mentally face-palmed.

" _Oh crap."_

He was in the act of deleting the post when someone liked and retweeted it.

"Who da hell—?!" he was about to curse, when the count went up by one. And again. And again. And in the matter of seconds, it reached up to 12 retweets and 21 likes.

Heiji's eyes turned to saucers.

Damn. This cannot be good.

Heiji let out an awkward laugh about two minutes after he paled in stupidity.

"N-no big deal," the detective said as he shrugged it off. "S'not like it's the end of the world right?" he reassured himself as he went his way to catch the last train to Tokyo.

After all, who else is gonna see that post, right? He's just the Detective of the West, right? He's not that famous, right?

It's not like every person around the globe is following him… right?

…

Right?

-*-.-*-.-*-

" _Geez, I sure hope this works,"_ thought a certain Edogawa Conan as he stood side by side with his 'Ran-neechan,' waiting for 'Shinichi-niichan' the day after at Beika Park—their supposed meeting place. From beside him, Conan noted, Ran took a glance at her watch for the umpteenth time that afternoon as she muttered 'This really is a bad idea' under her breath.

It's going to work, right? Hattori as Kudou? For as long as he doesn't talk he won't blow his cover… right?

He hopes so. But _where_ in the world is he? He's got his disguise ready hours ago. Choker voice changer, a spare leftover latex mask from before and all that… Is he purposefully not showing up to annoy him?

"R-Ran-neechan?" the shrunken sleuth uttered, putting on the innocent child act by pulling at said girl's cuff.

Slowly, the karate-do turned her head at him (Conan swore a chill just ran down his spine) and said in a slow, almost torturous tone, "Yes, _Conan-kuun?_ "

Darn, she's still on him like a predator. Conan gulped, before saying, "I'm-I'm getting a little hungry. L-let's go look for food."

"Oh but sweetie—" wait, _sweetie?!_ Shoot, she's enjoying this waaaay too much. "Shinichi-niichan is not here yet."

Conan noticed how Ran put too much emphasis on 'Shinichi-niichan,' and he gulped some more.

" _Darn Hattori. What's taking him so long?"_

If this keeps up he'll be in so much trouble.

And so, without thinking twice, the not-child did the most convenient thing he thinks is appropriate right now—throw a fake tantrum. He stomped and whined and pulled on Ran's arm, cuff and-embarrassingly enough-skirt.

"But Ran-neeeeeechan, I'm hungweee!"

It worked enough to get the teenager flustered, but not good enough to extinguish that growing fire of rage.

"I'll have none of this, Conan kun," she said with the same evil grin, not quite snapping but not giving in either.

That went on for another minute or two, or longer. It went to the point where all eyes are glued intently on him and the unnecessary fuss he's making.

Aww, shucks. Conan's so darn glad the Shounen Tantei Dan are not around to see this.

Ran was in the middle of pulling Conan off her bare leg when a familiar voice made both of them pause.

"Shouldn't you stop giving Ran a hard time, kid?"

Both Ran and Conan's heads turned in sync. And stopped.

 _Hattori?_

"Shinichi?"

Ran took a few careful steps forward, until there's only about a foot of space between them.

"It's you, right?" muttered the girl.

Wait.

 _Why are you wearing Teitan's uniform,_ thought the bespectacled boy. He personally picked the clothes for Hattori to wear. It just seemed odd for him to change at the last minute. Besides, who would go on a date in their _winter_ uniform? During summer vacation, even.

"Of course. Who do you expect?"

Wait.

 _Perfect standard Japanese accent…_ thought the little detective. His brows furrowed at the face that looked just like him.

From here on, everything 'Shinichi' and Ran were saying came out sounding muffled to Conan's ears, as his mind became flooded by one thought after another.

"L-look, about the pictures…" Ran fidgeted nervously, and Conan blinked himself out of whatever place his mind went to. 'Shinichi' nodded and raised a hand to her.

"I know. Sonoko probably talked you to it. Burn it for all I care… Unless you want to give them to me," he said with a grin which made the little guy turn wide-eyed.

Wait.

WAIT a minute.

He _knows_ that manic grin.

"Kiiiiid," Conan whispered in a low, despising tone, narrowing his eyes at the thief as he did. 'Shinichi' threw the shrunken detective a look which read, 'You owe me bigtime, detective.'

-*-.-*-.-*-

The trio strolled through the park in a rather cheery manner… well, except Conan would keep his annoying child act so as to distract Ran from making googly eyes at not-Shinichi. Other than that, Ran was having a good time, laughing and chatting and practically just being herself, and Conan smiled as she did…

That was until Hattori _really_ showed up, dumbfounded at the sight of Kudou's face beside Ku-Ku-Conan's and the Neechan's.

Ran gave a start, blinked, looked back and forth the guy beside him and the 'Shinichi' right in front of them.

"Shinichi?"

Without even thinking, Shinichi the second blurted out in the thickest Kansai accent ever, "Oh, hiya Neechan!"

Conan buried his face in his palms. That was all he can do not to faint in embarrassment.

 _HAAATTORIYAAAAAAAAH!_ Conan internally screamed. By this point, how Kid found out about this date did not matter to him already. It was all going rather well until Kansai-ben-Shinichi showed up and freaked the hell out of everybody, including some passers-by.

"Who's this?" Shinichi the second asked, pointing to Shinichi the first.

"Sh—Shin—Shinichi?" Ran tried, extending a hand to the guy beside him, then to the guy in front of him. She tried not to freak out. She really did. And the poor girl broke into a run before she even knew it, pulling Shinichi the first along with her.

Conan followed suit, right after throwing the confused Hattori-in-disguise a deadpan look.

It did not go well from there.

Right after she turned a corner, another Shinichi showed up, this time a hyperactive one who threw his arms at him like a girly-girl, making Ran squeak in surprise.

"Ran-chaaaan!" Shinichi the third squealed. "I miss you, darling! How are you doing?"

 _Da-da-darling?!_

The shrunken sleuth couldn't stop the blush forming in his face. Only _one_ person in the world would do that to his not-girlfriend… Someone who just does not stop teasing the two of them…

"Kyaaa! Get away from me!" Ran shrieked in horror, and she sprinted as fast and as far away as possible, leaving the three Shinichis chasing after her.

"Ran-neechan!" Conan called out, but said girl was too freaked out—like some heroine in a thriller flick—to even hear.

Turning another corner, Ran literally bumped into another Shinichi, who caught her by the wrist, twirled her and dipped her right then and there, making both the real Shinichi and the detective's daughter flush like a tomato.

"Nice to see you again Angel," the boy(?) greeted in Shinichi's voice.

It took all her willpower for Ran to stutter, "Wh-who the hell are you?"

For a moment there, Conan was sure this Shinichi would grow long platinum blonde hair, but he completely shrugged the thought off as the girl pushed herself away and continued running. The bespectacled then continued to follow suit of his childhood friend.

To his annoyance, that last Shinichi, too, ran after them, and to Conan, they would probably look like a cheap rip-off of _The Walking Dead_ series. It only needs a little touch-up here and there, a buttload of gray and red gooey-looking make up and tattered-up clothing.

 _Just what in the world is happening?!_

 _FINALLY,_ after what seemed like eternity, both Ran and Conan made their way towards the block where home _sweet_ home awaits.

"Get awaaaaaay!" Ran cried, and Conan swore aloud at this. Damn, if these guys didn't have the initial intention of helping him, he'd soccer ball them to the face!

"Hey, what's the rush, Ran-san?"

A completely different voice—THANK GOD—called from somewhere ahead of them, and Ran heaved in relief upon seeing Poirot Café's blonde part-timer.

"AMURO-SAN!" Ran shouted, then paused, took a couple of breaths and pointed behind them.

"Oh and Conan-kun, too," said guy commented, before shifting his attention at the horde of look-alikes.

Amuro tilted his head to the side in confusion.

"I didn't know your boyfriend's a quarter of a quadruplet," said he in the most innocent manner he could before Ran cut him off shouting "IMPOSTERS!"

This time, Conan pulled the crying girl into Mouri Detective Agency and out of sight. Said boy locked the door after them. From below, they could both hear Amuro-san saying, "All right, guys. Stop scaring the girl already and be on your merry way."

It took a couple more breathers before Conan sunk beside Ran, both of them blocking the door.

 _Damn, what in the world just happened?_ The shrunken sleuth thought, chest rising and falling heavily. It felt like he just ran a marathon. For a moment, everything seemed to still. No voices sounding like him, no Amuro-san scolding the tricksters. And most of all, no more crying Ran. It gave Conan time to think things over as a hand reached for the doorknob, unlocking said door.

 _Let's see… The only people I talked to about this are Hakase, Haibara and Hattori…_

 _Haibara made it clear she wasn't gonna help me. It's just not possible for her and Hakase to pull off that kind of stunt._

He wiped his brow in thought.

 _Mom was among the 'entourage.' But aside from her, no one else knew. Which means…_

Conan curved a frown.

 _That darn Hattori must've done something he didn't tell me about._

Beside him, he felt the teenage girl shift, and stood up. He watched in silence as she walked to the direction of her father's desk. She leaned a hand on it, while the other moved to reach her forehead.

Out of concern, Conan resumed his little brother act and followed her, standing in just the right distance in case she decides to become violent.

"Ra-Ran-neechan?" he called, and was surprised when the girl lifted her head and gave him a smile.

"Phew. That was creepy…" she commented. She walked towards the grade school kid, bent over to his eye level and added, "Right Conan-kun?"

It was good, Conan noted, that she's not using the same sarcastic, almost threatening tone of voice towards him anymore.

Only, what happened and how she reacted concerned him even more.

Ran gave him a pat on the head as he answered, "Uh,y-yeah."

Very carefully, Conan reached and placed a comforting hand on the girl's arm and queried, "Ran-neechan, are you okay?"

"Yes," she replied, much to his relief. She then got up to make herself a cup of very relaxing chamomile tea.

"Although," she added as an afterthought. "I had to admit that's going to haunt me for the next three weeks."

Conan gave a very childish pout as he followed her to the pantry. The clanking of porcelain accompanied Ran's late-afternoon rant.

"Geez that Shinichi," she spat. "He better not show his face for the next five months. I swear to gaawd I'll kick him all the way to the Himalayas."

Half-moon eyes peered through thick-rimmed glasses.

 _Ahah, ahaha… ahahahah!_

The sound of the agency door opening made Conan and Ran look up. Both kids exchanged curious glances. It could be Old Man Mouri, or a paying client, or…

Kudou Shinichi froze as he recognized the voice as his shrunken counterpart's…

"Tadaima," it greeted, in an oddly feminine-sounding greeting.

Oh damn.

And true enough, Edogawa Conan came face-to-face with his, uh… face…?

 _Darn you, Haibara!_

From behind the voice-changer mask, Haibara Ai curved a Cheshire Cat-like smirk.

 _That's to teach you a lesson!_

To this peculiar turn of events, Conan heaved a defeated sigh.

Just _why_ does everyone love him?

* * *

 **A/N:** Aaaaand for once, a fic filled with nothing but humor. Yet another fic to prove to myself I can still write. Echoing what I said on my other fic, I'd be more than thankful if people nag me with updates. Writing is one good distraction from all the depressing things around me... and I need to finish _Is My Heart Asleep?_ also all the other multichaptered fics I haven't updated forever... X_X

Reviews are **loooooved,** awesome people!

-neonquincy1217


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